The Trifecta of Shame, Courage and Vulnerability

Shame. We all have it. Nobody likes to talk about it. Yet when we don’t, it can take control of our lives. It keeps us worried about what others think. It keeps us small. It tells us we’re not worthy because we’re not ________enough (pretty, skinny, successful, smart, talented, tough, creative, insert your adjective).

Currently, the Inspired Women group is reading and learning from the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The topics? Vulnerability, courage, worthiness and… shame.

Brown, the beloved researcher of shame says, “The greatest gift of having done this work… is that I can recognize shame when it’s happening… I also know that the very best thing to do when this is happening feels totally counterintuitive: practice courage and reach out! We have to own our story and share it with someone who has earned the right to hear it, someone whom we can count on to respond with compassion. We need courage, compassion and connections. ASAP.”

Courage and Vulnerability

We need to share our story when we’ve gotten stuck in the grip of shame. Sharing it takes away shame’s power. As I like to say, “if you name it, you can tame it.” But sharing the story takes courage! Not the kind of courage demonstrated by the heroes we love to cheer on, but regular, ordinary courage. Like the courage to be vulnerable to another.

We need to share our story when we’ve gotten stuck in the grip of shame. Sharing it takes away shame’s power.

~Julie smith

Being vulnerable of course comes with risk. One of my favorite stories of personal vulnerability has now become part of our family lore. I’d been dating a special man for several months, and we were at his house one enjoying some conversation on a beautiful Spring evening. That’s when I did it. I said, “I love you.” I was the first one to say it! It took a lot of courage. His response? “Well, thank you!”

That was not the response I’d hoped for! I instantly felt my face get hot and turn red. It felt like time sort of stood still. I think I may have apologized and stammered around a bit. Within a very short time, I fled and went home… mortified and ashamed that I’d opened myself up only to discover that he didn’t feel the same way.

I could have gone back to my house, grabbed a pint of ice cream, a good dramatic movie to add to the angst, and vow to never tell a soul. Maybe never darken his doorstep again. But what I really needed was to share my shame story with someone! Because shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.

Brene warns, however, “If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm.”

Who Gets to Hear Your Story?

When choosing whom to share your shame story with, Brene suggests avoiding the following:

1. The friend who feels shame FOR you.
2. The friend who feels sorry for you, “you poor thing.”
3. The friend who’s disappointed in you and your imperfections.
4. The friend who’s uncomfortable with vulnerability and scolds you or looks for someone to blame.
5. The friend who wants to make things better. (You must be exaggerating. You’re awesome!)
6. The friend who wants to one-up you. (You think THAT was bad!)

You need to share with someone who won’t get caught up in your drama. Someone who won’t be full of judgment or try to fix you. You need someone who listens deeply and sees you and embraces you in your strengths and your struggles.

So did I share my story? I did. When I returned home, my neighbor and good friend, Cindy, was working in her yard. I stopped and we started chatting across the fence as we liked to do. She just knew something was up with me. When she asked what, I put on my big girl pants and came clean about what happened.

She listened with great empathy. She didn’t try to tell me what a mistake I’d made or what I should have said, nor did she say negative things about the man in an attempt to make me feel better. She was just present with me while I owned my shame. I felt seen, heard and supported. It was exactly what I needed.

Instead of riding this shame storm, giving up on the relationship, and closing myself off to being vulnerable in the future, I acknowledged my courage. I realized that maybe the man I was dating was scared to be vulnerable as well. I learned that taking a risk to be vulnerable can be scary, but it can also lead to beautiful things we might not have experienced otherwise. And the strength of friendship with my neighbor grew because of the connection we experienced.

Learn it. Apply it.

• What person(s) in your life have earned that place of compassionate connection; worthy of witnessing your story?
• Who reaches out to you, with ordinary courage, for compassion and connection?
• Where might you need to grow in order to offer that kind of compassion and connection to another?

Spoiler Alert: How did this story end? Immediately after I poured my heart out to my neighbor, the man pulled up in my driveway to share his own vulnerability and we had a really great conversation. I actually ended up marrying the man in this story and we’ve been happily married for eighteen years!